


Introspection

by alexanderlightweight



Series: Roswell New Mexico Week 2019 [1]
Category: Roswell New Mexico (TV 2019)
Genre: Angst, Character Study, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, M/M, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Reflection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-23
Updated: 2019-07-23
Packaged: 2020-07-12 10:55:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 531
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19945021
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alexanderlightweight/pseuds/alexanderlightweight
Summary: (Part of the Roswell New Mexico Week 2019)Prompt: When We Were Young“It’s different now,” Alex said and even as he spoke he knew he was making excuses.  His own face stared back at him, a mirror reflection and yet he couldn’t recognize himself, “whatever I, whatever we could have had, back when we were young.  It’s gone.”





	Introspection

“It’s different now,” Alex said and even as he spoke he knew he was making excuses. His own face stared back at him, a mirror reflection and yet he couldn’t recognize himself, “whatever I, whatever  _ we _ could have had, back  **when we were young** . It’s gone.” 

Silence greeted him -the only companion to his thoughts and the words he spoke aloud- were his own misery and fear.

He didn’t see the seventeen year old him when he looked in the mirror, he didn’t feel the hope he’d had at that age, not like he did when Michael looked at him. No, the only thing he saw in the mirror was the shadow of his father stretching out behind him. Taunting and tainting every part of his life except for a few stolen moments of safety and joy, moments that had been made with Michael, moments that he’d hidden deep in his psyche to get him through the worst parts of the last decade.

The temptation to smash the mirror, to break apart the image in front of him until it shattered into an unrecognizable visage was fierce and he took a steadying breath. Violence, against those he loves, against even himself, that was the one thing he would never give his father, wouldn’t let himself resort to. Instead he grabbed his crutches, made his way to the kitchen and lowered himself to the couch, reaching for a lukewarm mug of coffee and trying to steady his now shaking grip.

Life was supposed to be easier, he was supposed to be less afraid, less easily manipulated by his father and yet he felt cornered and hunted at every step. Terrified of what could be lurking around the corner, his entire body aching from a thousand past regrets and his mind caught in a riptide of current mistakes. 

The only way he was going to be free of anything, to get away from his father, to be the person he wanted to be, was to step out. To be himself, to find and tear away the walls that he’d built up to protect the boy he’d been and the boy he’d loved and left behind. A decade down the road and Alex felt like he’d never actually protected either boy, himself or Michael, just trapped them on a ferris-wheel. Caught them in the constant spiraling of a down-and-up of a relationship moving to the tune of Jesse Manes’ disdain and his own crippling self-doubt. 

It was time to find the courage that had helped him survive his teenage years and rebel against his father. The courage that had led to his  _ cosmic _ relationship with Michael. It had taken a far different kind of courage to be an airman but this was a different kind of war. A war against who he wanted to be and who he was expected to be. 

This was a war he had to win, for himself and for Michael. Even if what they could have had was lost, he owed it to himself and the boy who had taught him that love wasn’t a myth, who had protected him when Alex hadn’t even been able to protect himself. 

**Author's Note:**

> Very new to fandom but I love it!
> 
> I'm on tumblr as [alexanderlightweight](https://alexanderlightweight.tumblr.com)


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